How often do we take part in a conversation, in a meeting, at a conference session and spend most of our time thinking about what we are going to say next, rather than listening to what is being said? We do it in our personal lives and we definitely do it in our work lives.

We are accustomed to trying to process information quickly and move on, that’s part of it. And we are, for better or worse, focused on trying to be the problem solver or even the hero. We are the little kid in a classroom, hand up and practically jumping out of our seat with excitement. “I know,” exclaims that enthusiastic child and we do the same, with slightly more self control, as adults.

While we are preparing our response, our wheels turning with what to say next, we lose our ability to actually listen. We catch snatches of what is being said and we leap to our answer, more concerned about sharing our brilliance than at capturing all of the information

There is a part of this behavior that is human nature and a part that, as leaders, is learned. People are looking to us to come up with direction, to be the “all knowing” and we move, both consciously and unconsciously, into that role.

But if we choose to lead with heart, we have to re-learn how to listen. We have to focus our attention on what is being said and the person who is saying it. We have to let go of our desire to “jump” and respect both the person and their message. And, then, we have to ask any questions that are appropriate to get the full story. While it is a different approach to what we normally do, it takes no more time, and can yield significantly different, and improved, results.

It is not just the situation that stands to benefit, it is also the relationship with, and participation of, the team. Really listening not only teaches us something, it strengthens those who work with us, it builds their skills and it builds their feeling of being valued.

Leading with heart means being fully present and focused. It means learning to take a breath when we want to jump in, it means listening with all of your senses to develop not just the better outcome but a better, and more connected, team as well.

There are those who think that leading with heart means that anything goes, that the environment is one in which everything is “soft,” the rules are relaxed and all is tolerated or, at least, forgiven.

But that is not the case. At all. Expectations remain high, for ourselves and for our teams. We reward the positives and address the negatives and accountability is an enduring and understood concept.

When I talk about heart, when I think about what leading with heart means, it is based on wanting to connect with the team as individuals, to have them know and recognize that they are valued. It is about engaging each person and building their desire to achieve and to succeed. When we are seen, when the spotlight is on us, most of us want to shine and will strive to do just that.

But, we are human beings and we are all different. And there are those who, for whatever reason, make choices that have a negative impact, both on the organization and, ultimately, on their career.

While the first objective, when possible, is to “save” the person, educate them, give them another chance, that is not always possible. Sometimes the offense is too severe and requires action. Sometimes the individual cannot break their patterns and no amount of coaching, understanding or training changes that.

Seeing someone fail in that way is painful for the leader as well. When you encounter a long term employee whose behavior has changed in a damaging way, or they persist in not telling the truth, even when the truth is clear and incontrovertible, or when they put others at risk, action must be swift and decisive.

Leaders will sometimes be disappointed or betrayed by those they have trusted and relied upon. Like it or not, that is inevitable. But if we lead with heart, we learn what we can from each situation and we use it as we move forward—with our hearts still intact and committed to those we lead and those we serve.

One of the absolute truths of work, and of life, is that none of us exist in a vacuum. Not only do we have to coexist with other beings, there is little that we can accomplish completely on our own. Certainly that is true in organizations, but it is true even for those who work independently. We are not fully alone nor are we completely self sufficient.

And when we work with others, we have choices about how we interact and how we develop relationships. While you can certainly interact with others in a purely transactional way, as in “I need this from you and you need this from me,” there is great benefit in understanding and connecting on a deeper level.

Human beings crave connection and they want to be seen, they want to be known. It is a fundamental need, as key to our survival as, dare I say, food and water and there is a large body of research that demonstrates the importance of social connection to health.

Understanding that, accepting that, can inform the way that we work with others and the way we build teams. That applies not just to the leader but to the connections between colleagues. It is a simple but meaningful tenet, if we know one another better, we can work together more effectively and even more harmoniously.

How do we do that in a world where the pace only increases and the pressures are intense? I believe that a small investment of time can yield great dividends, that fostering an environment in which knowing one another is valued takes little time but produces great results.

Making this happen must be intentional but does not need to be difficult. It can be as simple in a large group as having people sit with those they don’t know and giving them a few minutes to chat, answering a question that helps them to know one another better. It can be starting a meeting with an icebreaker that provides insight, as basic as “What was your first job” or “What are your personal goals for the new year.”

When we scratch the surface and see our colleagues as people, not just roles, we find points of commonality that can help us develop a relationship. And when we have relationships, they enhance not just our ability to work together but also our effectiveness.

Leadership is not solely about relationships but it is a pillar, perhaps the most important pillar, of growth and of success.

One of the hallmarks of true leadership is taking ownership, taking responsibility. Yes, we have all known, and worked with, people who don’t do that. They are quick to take credit when things go well and even quicker to point fingers when things, as happens, don’t go so well.

When we lead with heart, and honesty, we share the glory when we have success and we work to course correct when things go awry. We accept that “nobody is too good to do anything” and that we all have a part to play, whether times are good or challenging.

Leading with heart requires us to be fully invested. And that is both a gift and a cross to bear. Our commitment to our work and to our people is unshakeable and that is vital. But the complication can be difficulty maintaining perspective.

Fully investing with your whole self matters, there is no doubt about that but learning to separate yourself is equally critical. It is a fact of life that we are not going to make everybody happy all the time, that we are not going to be universally successful or beloved.

It requires us to learn to care deeply as well as learn to take a step back and try and de-personalize when the situation warrants. There are times when we have to step away from the opinions of others, or from negativity and let it go. Those middle-of-the-night rumination as we go over the reactions and words of others, as we scroll through our worry list, don’t help us move forward. But, what if you closed your eyes and visualized pushing those thoughts out of your mind, You can even bring your hands in front of your eyes, take that negative thought between your palms and shove it away.

Creating space for ourselves, seeking the balance between deeply caring and protecting ourselves does not come automatically for those of us who are heart-centered leaders, but it is an effort we must undertake.

Leading with your heart is built on many factors, first and foremost, the ability and desire to listen. Yes, most of us have the ability but not all of us choose to have the desire. And that desire is critical.

It is easy to walk down the hall or be in a Zoom meeting and not fully acknowledge anyone. We are busy, our days are full and we are consumed with the thoughts of what we need to do and how much has to be accomplished. So we wrap ourselves in our own self-importance and we ignore anyone else. Maybe we say a quick “hi” or nod but, clearly, the message is that we don’t have time for connection.

Yet, saying hi and asking a quick question or adding a brief comment can make a difference. I learned that in an interaction with a staff member some years ago. It was early in September, right after Labor Day. I was taking my usual quick walk around the buildings and saw a member of our clinical team.

I gave a quick hi and an even quicker smile and then asked how her holiday weekend had been. Instead of the one word answer I expected, “good, fine, busy,” or words to that effect, she said “I spent the weekend working on my new house.” I must have looked quizzical because she went on, “Oh, you don’t know about my house. I am building a house with the help of Habitat for Humanity. I am hoping to get us moved in for Thanksgiving.”

I told her that was amazing and I went back down to my office, thinking about what she had said. I’d had the chance to volunteer for Habitat once and I knew what great work they do. I asked HR about this particular employee and learned that she was a single mom of three young boys, that she’d started with us as an aide and had gone back to school, becoming an LPN and now was working on her RN.

Was there a way we could help this employee, I wondered. What could we do to make this happen for her and hit her Thanksgiving goal? Our HR Director called Habitat and we soon secured two weekday afternoons when they could use some unskilled labor. Every member of our management team gave a half day of their time and we went out and did all of the priming of the interior walls. We took photos and videos and we asked the Habitat folks to keep our volunteer sign in pages out of the book.

The Sunday before Thanksgiving, we were invited by Habitat to the home’s dedication. I went, carrying a scrapbook full of photos and a copy of the video as well as a card signed by many of our team. I knocked on the door and our employee opened it. She said, with both a smile and some confusion, “You’re here!” And I said, “There’s something you don’t know” and shared the story of what we had done. She was in tears and said that the extra volunteer effort had made her Thanksgiving dream a reality.

In all my years working in organizations, I think of that episode as the one of the most significant for our organization. The story spread everywhere in the buildings and people could not stop talking about what it meant, that we were just not an employer but that we really cared. In an era, and a field, in which retention is a challenge, this was one small effort that yielded significant results.

We did very little for this employee. We spent a few hours painting and having fun together. But we made a difference in her life. And we made a difference in the perceptions of our staff. It was one conversation, less than five minutes long, but it was a moment that demonstrated the value of hearing and listening.